Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”

Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids

Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.

I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF

I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.

“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”

– My current favorite child

The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.

Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?

[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*

The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above

Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!

There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.

guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.

I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.

Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!

Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman

2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist

When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.

friend: why do u look sad

me: I have wrongdog

friend: what’s wrongdog

me: *big breath in*

Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.

*meeting an actual guy*

Him: Who’s your team?

Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants

What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???

(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!

Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that

I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms

Yesterday my friend quit her job while dressed as Ellen Ripley. Then a manager had to stop and discuss a counter offer with HR while dressed as an emu. I love Halloween so much

when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops

[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches

“soooo little update I’m kinda seeing someone..” — me to my psychiatrist about the tall shadowy figure in a bowler hat in the corner of my room

Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.

yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol

is it just me or are we all a little bit disappointed whenever they lift a tsunami warning