Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’

me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]

Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”

Me: “Get away from it.”

Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones

Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.

I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.

Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.

For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.

Tip for drowning your enemies:

Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.

It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020

Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.

If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.

I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.

I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me

If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.

Wrote a song and it goes a little something like this… Who put maple syrup on the caaaaat?

I never found the Headless Horseman that impressive, because the horse still has a head and is clearly doing all the navigating. My first thought wouldn’t be “demon guy” it would be “service horse, make sure not to pet it”

Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.

imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you

is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)

it’s time for some pepper spray

-me, in a crowded elevator

people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.

The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.

What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches

Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-

Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?

My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.

history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.

You: “I’m only 35, I have my whole life ahead of me.”

Sports Broadcaster: “Here comes the oldest player in the league. He’s 32. A miracle.”

I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.