Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.

(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”

[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]

Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!

Word of the day:

Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.

My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.

If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.

She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.

For the fourth year in a row my 9yo asked for a go-cart for Christmas. They’re only $1500, he says.

Don’t worry, everyone, he said we don’t have to get him anything else. Just the go-cart will be fine.

Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-

Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks

Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless

Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person

My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂

Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high

Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*

Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.

“I just love a man in uniform”

~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes

In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket

Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?

Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.

Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda

[first day as a doorman]

me: bye, thanks for coming

sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about

Me: I’m having a heart attack.

BFF: you are not.

Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind

Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.

I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email

I wish I was a better person

genie: kind of a low bar but ok

If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.

People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.

Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage

Would it be possible to visit this cool ranch where the Doritos are being packaged? I just want to make sure they’re being treated well

My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”

She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”

I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”

She hates me now

Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.

3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?

Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.

“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”

–a nice waiter or a bad mortician