M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
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Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first