M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
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I carry two flashlights in case I ever have to help an airplane land.
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
i’m trying to quit making sexual innuendos but it’s so hard
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
Kay’s emergency department tape rule:
If a farmer shows up with electrical tape on something, it absolutely needs sutures.
If it’s duct tape, it needs surgery.
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
My 6yo told me his classmate has a pet wolf, and it’s giving him some ideas about our current pet situation
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
them: do you have big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.