Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]

One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish

[breakfast]

ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup

WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude

me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie

grim reaper: no

Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying

These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times

-me during my whole shift

We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.

[before sex]

her: can u put something on

me: sure

her: is that just the jeopardy theme song

me: no

her:

me: it’s the whole episode

Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.

I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.

Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.

If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.

My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.

“This syrup tastes funny…”

-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes

You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.

Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.

[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th

i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.

Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.

[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plot

Son: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!

Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol

Son: So is it this switch here or

Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.

The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.

[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]

Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.

Girl- You mean a condom?

Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.

cat: *slowly approaches new vase*

me: you don’t wanna do that

vase: *pushes cat off the table*

me: i warned you

applying for a new job

I remember owning a mobile device as a kid, it was called my bike.

Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.

Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these

My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.

Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?

People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing