M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
You Might Also Like
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
A choir of Spring onions
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
every video on here is a staged fight called something like “Was the Nurse Right to Yell at the Patient🤔” with 1.3M comments that say “imho if I were the nurse i would yell at the patient”
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
I had two werewolves inside me, but I lost them both, so now I have wherewolves
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈