M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
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I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
Did…did a minotaur write this
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.