Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.

*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all

*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few

I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.

Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?

The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.

For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.

cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life

♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘condescending’

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Of course I can. Can YOU?

Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:

*5 stars*

Psssst.

Hey you,

Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it

Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.

[holds out handful of sliced cheese]

pick a card

I’ve had some terrible ideas but never “chili restaurant in an airport” bad

Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.

I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.

Walmart customers are classless.

You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.

Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.

I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes

Got an annoying neighbour? Leave a note on their car: “Sorry about the damage, but I’ve patched it up so you probably can’t even see it.”

Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.

*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.

[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]

“How much for this toaster?”

“An arm & a leg.”

“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”

“A leg & 3 fingers.”

“Deal!”

– Cannibal Pawn Stars

everyone’s blaming media illiteracy for ppl mistaking poo crave for pop crave but babe that’s just regular illiteracy 😓

Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”

Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?

I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”

What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one

Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.