Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mind bending shirt from Baltimore Comic Con. My brain hurts.

Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.

Notice how ghosts never wear fitted sheets?

So wait, witch. You’re telling me I should only drive a stick?

OK Broomer

72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.

i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives

Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!

Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before

*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*

[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*

Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.

Me: who are you writing about?

Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.

Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.

Daughter: seriously?

Me:

Daughter:

Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )

[Antarctic Courtroom]

Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”

Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”

Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”

Walrus: “No. I…”

*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice

*loses my composure*

Weigh me now

Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.

When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.

My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.

A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house

When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.

technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting

Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string

Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.

H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.

Me: *giggles

7: You guys are being weird again.

A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women

SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?

DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer

SON: what aisle?

DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?

Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.

His new catchphrase?

“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”

Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.

Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)

Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither

ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?

KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!

ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it

[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell

PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good

ME: what

PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there

Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.

Pleading insanity in small claims court