Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!

My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.

SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?

T-REX: Just because okay

I’m giving up eating chocolate for a month. sorry bad punctuation. I’m giving up. Eating chocolate for a month

Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?

Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.

Friend: How old is your kid?

Me: Kid?

When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?

Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”

People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse

The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.

Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups

1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store

friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?

fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying

If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.

My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.

Dear Britain,

This Brexit vote is all wrong

If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.

Sincerely,

America

[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]

*extreme rat noises*

Son: the devil made me do it

Me: what did I say about that

Son: not to call my sister the devil

When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.

I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz

DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up

ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?

DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want

What a chick magnet..

I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.

The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.

A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.

drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?

Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.