M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
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Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
Don’t snitch tag.
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
bears