Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not working

Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.

“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late

“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late

“in traffic” = just got in a car

“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago

Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.

Burning rubber…

While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad

A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.

My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.

Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’

“Pass the joint.”

-Cannibals at dinner

The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.

Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.

My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:

A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or

I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from

I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot

[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]

Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?

My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”

Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.

My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—

Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.

A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.

They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.

I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.

Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?

Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?

Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?

Me: Yeah no, that’s about it

Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.

Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?

I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.

I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”

My clothes don’t fit anymore.

There’s only one possibly explanation.

America is shrinking my clothes.

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

Me: Yeah

Cop: Oh ok nevermind

When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.

Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.

Me: how much for the seal Dracula

Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus