Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended

Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?

Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.

Cathy on Facebook hates being sick.

Really Cathy ? …..Most people love it.

Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-

Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.

Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-

Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*

Him: How do you even steer?

Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.

Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.

a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.

Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.

*looks up from phone*

Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.

Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly

Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit

Friend: I have bad knees.

Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!

*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet

10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.

long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.

[candle store]

WIFE: Do you have vanilla?

“No”

WIFE: Apple?

“Nope”

WIFE: Lavender?

“Sorry”

ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents

my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”

Friend: have you ever been to Norway?

Wife: sadly no.

Friend: why not?

Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.

Me: that’s not what I said.

Wife:

Friend:

Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.

Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.

Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.

Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.

My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.

* scratches *

Damn.

Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..

they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year

Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby

landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent

me: can you tell my boss that

kermit the frog is more iconic than mickey mouse bc if u heard someone was named mickey u’d just be like ok sure . but if someone said their name was kermit u would be like huh ????? like the frog ?????????

Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”

My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.

Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?

Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.

Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories

The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.

He gets that from his mother.