Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
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WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
I ate my exam paper. Which means that pretty soon I’ll pass the test.
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
Remember when we used to jump out of the swings? Those knees were fresh.. fresh out the box
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
Many hands make light work
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
Legend 🤣🤣
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*