Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

🤣✨#caturday

Me: I miss you.

My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.

Me: No, I just miss —

My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.

Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.

Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.

Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”

And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.

I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues

“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches

I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.

I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.

waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?

ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know

[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.

Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”

I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.

“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text

Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.

Unless your wife finds out.

kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job

Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge

shaggy sneaking off to the kitchen to make a big a** sandwich while the rest of mystery inc is investigating the haunted house

[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*

I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.

why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .

My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.

Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.

Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.

[getting pulled over]

Me: R u a bear cop?

Bear cop: Is that a problem?

Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop

*mauls me for bad pun*

I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.

I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie

When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.

I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.