Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.

Press 1 for English
Press 2 For Spanish

Press 1 or 2 for Indian

I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.

Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.

If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”

Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.

It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back

Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there

God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers

I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.

First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face

Bus duty in the library after school.

Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,

I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)

FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔

I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.

What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?

Russian roulette.

I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.

Question: You know how cocky you need to be to put a billboard up for an establishment that is nearly 600 miles away in the opposite direction?

Answer: You need to be Buc-ees-level cocky.

⛽️ 🦫

Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.

Me: Do the thing.

Nurse:

Me:

Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*

Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.

Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?

Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day

My patient: [bleeding out] when

Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.

“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.

My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.

“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”

*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby

“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs

Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”