Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now

So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?

*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*

idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go

Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”

Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.

Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.

[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle

New comic up. “Ransom”

Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it

My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.

I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes

if i had an evangelical homie i’d be doing this all the time

I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks

Horrifying if literal: shit storm

I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.

I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers

Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?

ME: you look great tonight

DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime

ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here

I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.

My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.

*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?

I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.

Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”

british people be having sex like:

mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving

It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.

Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?

Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.

[later]

Me:

I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate

Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha

A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem

As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else