Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
You Might Also Like
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
A very blasé attitude by the stoic root vegetable in the face of its imminent death…
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
I often miss my train in the morning. And during the rest of the day. I never should have given away that train
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.
I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky
They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6