Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
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The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
massage therapist asked how I felt about chiropractics and I told her the guy who invented it says he learned it from a ghost and that shut the conversation down pretty quick
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
watching a murder doc and the main girl just said “i believe god put me in this prison for a reason” and im like well the reason is you murdered your husband
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.