Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.

When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.

Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.

When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.

You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.

Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5

The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless

Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???

Sometimes? I’m slipping

😂

sex so good you start seeing dead people..

oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that

My therapist always starts our session with “How are you?” and I always say “I’m good!” and then spend the next hour talking about how I am decidedly Not Good.

My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?

Me : Because a good employee is hard to find

British websites use biscuits.

i set my alarms extra early to make sure i have enough time to lay in bed and be angry about having to wake up

hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider

When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city

Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep

I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.

“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost

The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”

Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter

Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…

Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook

Me: Aww too bad

Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles

This is your brain.

*holds up a brain*

And this is your brain on drugs.

*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*

Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.

my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.

[crumpled up paper on floor]

*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…*

*leaves it*

Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.

If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.

I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.

I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.

“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”

2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”