Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
You Might Also Like
twitter is a journey
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
My friend invited us to a party at her country club and for some reason I assumed was a pool party so my whole family showed up in bathing suits and guess what it was NOT a pool party but it was a fancy country club party where everyone was dressed up
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”