Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats

You: Wow, check out that cool dog

Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area

HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD

Half of this strand of Christmas lights doesn’t work so I’m just going to ball it back up and toss it in the bin so it can piss me off again next year.

Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want

Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters

Window air conditioners are the camel of the appliance world.

You haven’t turned the A/C on in a month? It has rained 0.04″ in the past 2 weeks? Don’t worry, the A/C has planned for this and has stored up water to pour out onto your pants and the floor as soon as you remove it.

*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?

I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.

Him: I hope I die first.

Her: Aww you can’t live without me?

Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.

Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.

Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it

I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.

I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.

Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?

Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?

*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face

*watches a house fall on you*

*steals your shoes*

*works out for 75 mins

*eats an entire batch of cookie dough

This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds

does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual

You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.

*decides towels smell like mildew

*buys special laundry agent to remove odors

*washes load of towels

*forgets load in washer until morning

*repeat

I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.

And now we wait…

I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.

[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]

ME: there’s gotta be a better way!

WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass

My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.

(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons

“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.

Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.

Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.

I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.