I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
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[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
Does beer think about me too?
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.