Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra

It was a boobie trap

Normal people: we want a sensible & intuitive home design

Modern architects: we moved the first floor to the second floor and made the stairs into an infinite loop.

My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.

A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother

Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.

NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.

I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants

Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.

Me: so was this pie

Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined

Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?

7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.

Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.

8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.

I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.

Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.

The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE

Therapist: How’s your narcissism?

Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”

Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful

It was thirty seconds til daybreak

I waited patiently

And then it dawned on me

Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!

Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*

I wish I could put an AirTag on my sanity.

Food gives you energy to nap more.

me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!

[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?

Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.

I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.

Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.

Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.

Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.

When you promised to deliver the project in two weeks but didn’t mention which year

I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.