Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.

[1st date]

WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?

HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*

DRACULA: *just glares at her*

The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed

*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.

Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.

My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.

Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.

Boss: You’re late!

M: It’s 6.30am

B: You start at 6am!

M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.

And now we wait for HR.

[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling*

*Scrolling*

*Scrolling*

*Very slight chuckle*

*Scrolling*

Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.

Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.

I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that

Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name

In 2020, five African grey parrots at a wildlife park in Lincolnshire had to be separated after they were found to be encouraging one another to swear. The park’s CEO commented, “We are quite used to parrots swearing… but for some reason these five relish it.”

Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?

1996: eww that’s gross

2016: head first without thinking

Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.

Coworker: “How was your weekend?”

Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”

Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off

It must be hard for a vampire to floss their fangs when they can’t see their reflection in a mirror.

MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.

I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.

Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.

I yelled what does BMX stand for?

He replied “DUI”.

Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes

My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.

when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today

My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.

[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?

A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages

Can’t. Just put my hair in a bun and that’s just about enough exercise for today.

Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?

I just did.

Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦‍♂️😂