Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
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I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
Hamburger Hinderer.
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.