Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: Your resume states that you can dunk?

Me: Are you going to test me?

Interviewer: No, I’m more curious about why you would put that-

Me: Oh well then yeah I can dunk

Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*

Him: What’s funny?

Me: Nothing.

Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*

Me: Ha! Photo bombed!

me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all

therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood

me: one sec

‘Did you hear, Tim died.’

Oh no, was it serious?

“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto

Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark

Wife: nonsense, we’re on land

*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*

Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)

everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats

“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.

[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed

me: why’d you pull me over?

cop: I think you know why

me: it’s my eyes isn’t it

cop: …

me: *sigh* they’re hazel

cop: so mysterious

I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.

COMPUTER: Enter your password

ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]

COMPUTER: Your password is too weak

ME: [high fives computer]

Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.

Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”

super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog

Happy Halloween !
Cartoon credit: Berger & Wyse

I used to think the key to small talk was always having something to say (difficult) but now I think the key is being genuinely relaxed and putting people at ease (very difficult).

If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow

Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?

I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice

friend: how long have you had that bourbon?

me: 20 years.

friend: why don’t you just drink it?

me: drinking age is 21 dude.

forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this

Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.

[Christmas morning]

Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]

The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.

I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.

Amazon review of the Solar System

⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”

Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?

Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty

my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.

nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end

You’re like a first job.

No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.