Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.

GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!

A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.

Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.

Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.

Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going

Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.

I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors

Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.

me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both

me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet

Absolute fiend for dumbass plot devices in fantasy stories. I love it when there’s some stupid magic orb that fixes everything, you just need to find it.
“The kingdom is in peril! Champion, you must find the Cube of Fix Precisely This Specific Problem.”
I will snort it like snow.

Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!

Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.

The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.

Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD

Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation

trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs

Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.

Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.

18: Thanks for the nuggets.

Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.

18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.

Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.

When someone asks me why I’m in a wheelchair, I want to say something ridiculous like, “I’m not standing up until my grandson gets a Golden Ticket to Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory.”

I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.

handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.

clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.

me: same as him.

clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.

According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.

My 9-year-old beat the system. I asked him what he wanted to be for Halloween and he said fisherman so he got new fishing pants and a fishing vest and a fishing hat. He’s all set up now for one night to trick or treat and a whole year of fishing.

My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.

Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student

you can’t prove that threatening a toilet doesn’t work

Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.

there are only 2 kinds of mayors: the kind you hate for ruining your city and your job and your life. and dogs

supermarket employee: can I help you find something?

me: oh no…I’m not shopping. I’m just here for the music