Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My doctor wants me to take a stress test.

I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.

Me: *opens a package*

5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!

Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.

5:

Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.

Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc

When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.

Meet my wife, the dream killer.

I’m the person who requested weather reporters stand in the storms. I have no concept of wind or rain and love seeing needless suffering

Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:

Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”

when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it

Celine DiOn

*claps twice*

Celine DiOff

Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.

Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID

I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…

[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]

You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?

What do you call Winnie the pooh’s grandma? PoohNani 🤣

Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.

Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.

Me: And her parents are OK with this?

me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is

my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk

Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.

I’ve just turned off the news and put on a serial killer documentary to relax.

Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*

My organs: We strike at dawn.

“I am almost there, keep your computer on”, windows updates probably.

*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*

Me: And now we wait

[2 days later] *nothing*

[1 week later] *still nothing*

[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now

Me: I said, we wait!!!

You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?

[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”

i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right

First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never

Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”

Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?

kid: 5 more minutes

dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime