Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.

4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge

“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”

“Then I would have had to reword it.”

Me quickly texting my 80-something-year-old dad about his 80-something-year-old friend.
‘Hi, dad, just had a lovely chat with your friend, Paul!’
Realising later that I’d actually texted, ‘Hi, dad, just had a love child with your friend, Paul!’

911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad

Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.

I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.

There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .

Man: I’ll have the steak

Waiter: And, for your side?

M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.

therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar

Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie

My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.

[gently waking my mom] I’m in a gang now. With 43 monkeys.

Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.

i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —

*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*

You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears

…yes please

I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation

AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.

I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.

Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”

Her: “Yes”

Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”

“Wait, what?!”

16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year

6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.

If the NSA is monitoring our texts we are so screwed.

Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.

My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”

My mouth: safe splot

Not religious but been going through a hard time so lit a candle in a church today for the first time to seek help. 30 mins later a pigeon shat on my head

When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.

when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway

Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.

me: but i want it

ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no