MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
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Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
What.
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
I keep getting snagged in seemingly random single threads of webbing in my kitchen, which means I either have a spider casting a web of incomprehensible dimensions (terrifying) or a spider that spends their nights swinging around pretending they’re Peter Parker (delightful)
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves…
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before