Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms

Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?

Date:

Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her

Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no

I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband

I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.

I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.

*escorted from Starbucks

I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!

Wife: any ideas for dinner this week and don’t you dare say hot dogs

Me:
Wife:
Me: frankfurters

Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”

I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit

[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”

There’s lots of fish in the sea

“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”

Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states

Him: yeah?

*steals his car*

COP: where were u between 1 and 2

ME: in a diaper

COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night

ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk

My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning

Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera

Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho

eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.

Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉

Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?

Wife: I’m definitely bothered

MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*

ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*

MAGICIAN: holy shit

😂🐾

I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.

So they hid my phone charger.

I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.

Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.

I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.

I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…

Unless, of course, I want to buy something.

My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on

The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.

Did you hear what happened when the local theater stopped paying the heat bill?

Coldplay.

My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?

Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”