Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.

You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids

I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.

Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.

me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]

water polo ref: still no

please do not read the flags my wife flies over our house. they are full of lies, or at least lack important context

pony: is this your card?
me: yes! cool trick!
pony: thanks
me: can you do any others?
pony: *sighs* no

me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok

Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.

[January 1st]

Moon: whatcha gonna do today

Earth: START A REVOLUTION

i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit

When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.

Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*

If I had two brownies, I’d give you one

little corner off of one

Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.

It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.

I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.

Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.

Maybe the smartest thing I’ve ever done in my life is give the Democratic party a fake phone number every time i donate

be safe out there!

Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?

Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho

My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.

My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.

tub, pail, can, vat, jug, kettle, cask, pot, keg, barrel, bowl…

…. making a bucket list

[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”

Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out

Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.

Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”

My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”

Ladies, if he:

-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tides

That’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.

The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce

Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?