“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
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Got talking to a girl last night, asked her name. She said everyone calls me Vivaldi. I said is that because your a great Violinist.
She said no, it’s because my names Viv and I work at Aldi.😳😳
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
whoever named the meatball absolutely nailed it
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
