“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
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Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
turning my gender off to conserve energy
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
HR: Can you explain why your drug test shows incredibly high levels of THC?
Me: Tennessee Hot Chicken? Yeah, I eat that every time I get high.