Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”

TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.

my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord

Hey big accounts –

What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?

My cat would be dead before I got 50

me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this

my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired

Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.

[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael

I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence

My mom was right. My face did stay this way.

some cats are just doing for fun!

10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher

wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?

[traffic stop]

Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?

Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.

Me: I want to travel

Bank account: Where? To work?

[January 1, 0000]

Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?

Mary: so weird

Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.

I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.

“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”

“That’s only for narcs.”

“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”

ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*

MOM: *shouting* use your words!

MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!

I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.

My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.

A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”

When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants

I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?

*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*

I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.

Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?

[on the 7th day]

dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?

god: yeah totally harmless little dude

dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?

god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy

Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came

Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready

“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”

Can you please stop being so melondramatic.

You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?