Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
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I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
this is the greatest thing ever
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.