Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
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me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
I get sad when I see how old people my age are.
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
Is your wife single?
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.