Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
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Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
three things we don’t talk about
Are these grass-fed oranges?
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers