Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft

I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.

Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.

#DidYouKnow?

As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣

asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently

I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up

Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway

I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.

All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion

My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.

Saw a car with a bumper sticker that said “I love my wife” and all I could think was WHAT did this dude DO??

Day 2 of my writing tips. As the greatest writer of my generation, I love helping young up-and-coming writers how to succeed in the biz. Today’s lesson is all about how to write a great murder mystery 👍

oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods

Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides

doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …

Me: give it to me straight doc what is it

doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password

The hospitality industry is always looking for influencers who can bring visibility to their business. YOU could be that influencer! and having your own professional travel blog is how you do it! Click here to start your own travel blog #ad

“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.

Me: [print]
Printer: I have to do maintenance.
Me: What? Now?
Printer: Shhh.
Me: Can you hurry up?
Printer: Alignment is a process.
Me: OMG just print my page.
Printer: I’ll print a test page.
Me: [pressing “cancel” button]
Printer:
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re out of magenta.

boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here

WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?

~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom

Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.

Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!

Me:

Dog:

Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?

Dog: Not really, no.

MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.

Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.

I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!

roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do

I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?

Snoop: Murder was the case that they gave me.

Me: oh, mine was public urination, so same

At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.

When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.

But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”

I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.

People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.

tfw you’re yelling at the tv and the contestant finally comes up with the same answer as you’ve been yelling, and it’s wrong.