Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
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THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.