Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.

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When the police officer asks how much have I had to drink tonight- ‘all of it’ wasn’t as funny to him as it was to me.


God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”


Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.


[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi


Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.


[at an umpire’s funeral]

me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?



ME: I want a koi swimming downstream

TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?

ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth


It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.


Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.