Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
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Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!