my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
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In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..