Mad Max: Furry Road
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So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
The Burt Reynolds in me says go for it, but the Wile E. Coyote in me knows how it’ll end.
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
Only short people can save us
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
Name this drama.
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”