Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.

Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.

TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u

The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.

WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say

God: you can go on land and water.

Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?

God: that’s where you live.

Turtle: oh my gosh.

God: what?

Turtle: I have a house boat!

My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.

Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”

So close, kid. So. Close.

get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind

Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna

Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic

I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.

me: *offering joint* wanna hit

giraffe:

me: nvm ur already high lol

[later]

scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human

*in the car*

7yo: I can count to 100,000

5yo: oh yeah, then do it

me: no

*unhooking milker from my gorilla*

wife: still no glue?

Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”

My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”

it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option

Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws

Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom

I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her

my 10 year old son is about to start trombone lessons this year at school.

his band teacher’s intro email has me howling!

My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.

I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”

I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir

I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.

DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.

ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*

Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.

If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed

Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.

Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-

My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON

I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.

If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.