Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme

Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark

if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.

[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]

Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast

the antelopes: wait, the what now?

Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye

I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”

Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.

Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.

I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog

*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*

I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS

When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…

Y’know, to buy myself some time.

I’ve got some sick beats.

No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.

I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.

My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.

[playing poker]

“I’m all in”

*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*

Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of

The best shot in the history of golf

Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?

Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40

“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt

[ interview ]

cable company: where do you see yourself in five years

me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?

cable company: when can you start

me: between monday and july

Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?

My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.

Little does she know, her father is the prank master

Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.

so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement

When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.

Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…

Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.

Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”

Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”

[first day in hell]

hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat

waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir

me: wow this isn’t so bad

group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-

Yeah I can explain that gap on my resume – I tried to move a picture in Word

Had to take my niece to the ER today, because she swallowed a toy train.

Doc said she bit off more than she could choo.