I’m not proud
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Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*