You Might Also Like
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
All I want for Christmas is for Santa to drop Mulder and Scully off in NJ to sort things out.
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
learning about math 🧐 📝
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *