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Before you take surf lessons, you have to sign a waver.
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
Ugh
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
volunteer in charge: we are gonna walk around and search for clues about the missing girl.
guy who just bought a new fly fishing rod: we should check the lake first
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
I only buy cookware with handles that somehow get hotter than the pan itself. This is the way.
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.