Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)

So sick of all these stupid rules

There’s a new part of my brain aggressively trying to make me completely dedicate my life to becoming an expert on German amusement parks. It’s like “hey dude this stuff might be the most important shit you’ll ever learn” and I’m like christ. You’re probably right

Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”

No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.

[asteroid destroys earth]

God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that

Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.

Let me know when they read a book.

Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.

I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.

I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.

there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps

Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁

we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌

Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.

[harry potter at work]

Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh

Harry: a thestral, yes

Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate

Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life

Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner

I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo

god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec

angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad

Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?

DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ

“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”

Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.

Me: Not until you turn the heat down.

“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???

Doctor: You have athletes foot

Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?

Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?

Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few

Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?

Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—

*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact

Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.

I only sleep with people who make me laugh.

Luckily, I find myself hilarious.

“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.

My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.