Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: And this is my house

Friend: What’s upstairs?

Me: Stairs don’t talk.

I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.

I just ate the last piece of cheese in the fridge and it’s cloudy outside.

🎶 Ain’t no sunshine when cheese gone.

Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then

A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.

Me: Why aren’t you in bed?

5: I need smooth jazz.

Me: Uh what?

5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!

Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine

Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong

Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!

Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…

Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”

Him:

Me: Go on…

Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.

I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot

Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many books

Saying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope

4yo and my husband made pasta from scratch for dinner. 4yo took one bite and said “this is the best meal I’ve ever had, please can we make this again” then promptly left the table and ate no more. Bless preschoolers.

After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.

Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”

*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*

I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party

I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.

We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.

Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.

I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.

Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh

Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?

Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.

HER: so I hear you’re a runner

ME: yes

OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know

“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”

For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.

Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.

And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.

In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.

Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.

Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit

I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.

I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.

“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”

*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*