Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you

Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.

I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.

Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.

Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31

[using Ouija Board]

“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”

( spelling bee )

Your word is “passive-aggressive”

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.

Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.

My daughter whose into astronomy asked “how do stars die’?
I said “usually a overdose”

It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.

Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???

[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.

Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.

Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.

Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.

Big up the 12 yr old kid on my daughter’s school camping trip who has mistakenly got my number listed in her phone as my daughter’s number and so has been texting me from her tent at midnight and 2am going SO WHAT’S THE PLAN?

“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”

I hope this email punches you square in the face

Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.

Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.

Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*

Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.

My dad teaching me to drive

I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……

*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*

When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one

Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?

can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo not

do not @ me i wo not answer

I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.

Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down

Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.

My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.

[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]

Ahhhh, there it is…

Wife: Get off of me!!

I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.