Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can confirm.

My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.

Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…

Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?

Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape

Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers

[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him

[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]

Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?

Me: Virus?

manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)

*new parents*

Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.

Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!

“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”

” Yes, we arson.”

I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.

It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.

Waiting at the barber shop to get my 9yo a haircut and he points to the balding guy in front of us and says “well he shouldn’t take too long.”

My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss

You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.

Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.

HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched

Me: do you love me?

Siri: I’m only your assistance.

Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.

Siri:there are two bridges near you.

Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.

He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…

*puts on sunglasses*

In the dust.

explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process

Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.

Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.

Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.

I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.

Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉

My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER

Me: yeah ;(

It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨

I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.

ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature

CEO: That’s a great idea

ME: Call it ClinkedIn

CEO: Get out!

Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.