Mad that at the end of BatB (Beauty and the Beast) the breaking of the spell turns all the furniture back into the Beast Prince’s staff and they all just continue to work there??? Buddy you’ve been a wardrobe for so many years why don’t you go and be free
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
i wish i could throw tomatoes at tweets
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
