Mad that at the end of BatB (Beauty and the Beast) the breaking of the spell turns all the furniture back into the Beast Prince’s staff and they all just continue to work there??? Buddy you’ve been a wardrobe for so many years why don’t you go and be free
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
I got soap in my shower beer again.
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
My teen is about to do some work experience set up by her 6th form college. The idea is to match students with jobs that reflect their skills/interests. My girl is deep into the arts – she loves music, art, photography, making stuff.
Her allocated job? Gravestone maintenance
