Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
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It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
new wife guy just dropped
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
Sometimes I think about when a woman told me I did it the easy way having twins and I didn’t kick her in the crotch.
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
I asked the waitress for a quickie and she slapped me. The old woman next to me said, “It’s pronounced ‘quiche’, dear.”
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
I bet your first day as a bullfighter they start you off by fighting a really rare steak.
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.