Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*invents time machine*

*has an opportunity to right a wrong*

*makes it wronger*

Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”

So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.

Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?

Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.

ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that

It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.

My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd

I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head

Win some, lose some

The pigeons are plotting to overthrow the government. It will start with a coo.

[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*

HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*

ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*

I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.

Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.

Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.

I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident

Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.

accurate

*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*

I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.

My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much

me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up

Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight

Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one

Me: I’ve never been prouder of you

Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.

Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.

[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther

I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.

me: *ordering an orange juice*

8yo: does it have pulp?

me: I’m not sure

8yo: *heavy sigh* guess I’ll find out the hard way

[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys

Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha

Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha

Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.