Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
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Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
accidentally got hired at a bakery today. came in for a cinnamon roll during rush hour and left 4 hours later with a dozen donuts and $60 cash. not really sure what happened in between those two events. i believe my life is a video game
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow