Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Wow, that’s great!”

~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.

You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.

-whistling you perverts

Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.

But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.

Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.

Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?

I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.

My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.

a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer

I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.

My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.

HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.

ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!

*At a clothing store*

Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*

Me:”No, I’m just good looking”

Found something new to say when I leave a room.

I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.

wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?

Know why I pulled you over?

“No sir”

1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha

Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.

Hospital bills feel like:

Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.

I feel seen

I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.

If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.

Person: so, how are we today?

Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks

Coffee: YOU CAN DO IT!!!!!

Me: I don’t wanna

Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.

Can we stop calling it autocorrect and call it what it is… auto-guesstimate-entirely-inaccurately

I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.

My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes

I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie

I bought a reusable straw so now I go by Captain Planet.

Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate