Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.

And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?

Please enter new password

Me: Candy123

Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password

We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$u

Me: Candy123!

I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.

1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos

I sexually identify as an avocado.

Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.

Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.

So I was in a shoe store this morning and was trying on a shoe.

I said to the assistant: “It’s too tight”.

She said: “Try it with the tongue out”,

I said: “It’th nho ghood, it’th thtill thoo thight!”

In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.

Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.

“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/1576528422272208897/pu/vid/720x720/Zr92BMF47aCb7zz5.mp4?tag=12

[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour

doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/1509275726100549636/pu/vid/928x720/30aRl-g2Mlsx3mCQ.mp4?tag=12

You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.

Me: *making table side guacamole*

Priest: Please get off the altar

*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*

You looked a little sickly.

Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?

Him: *disables smoke alarm*

I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.

I named him Gasper.

I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.

i- i did not expect this

every college guy’s fridge

One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plate

Me: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that

Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.

Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?

Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.

*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*

No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.

Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.

A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.

6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.

That stung.

Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”

Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie

*takes guests to the grocery store*