Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
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Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
Girlfriend: “I regret getting you that blender for your birthday”
Me drinking a pop tart: “why??”
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Just deep cleaned the whole house, so disaster should ensue in 3…2…
“MOM! CAN I MAKE A SMOOTHIE?”
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
I’m at that point on a Monday where no.
I really want an emotional support octopus so I can train it to slap people and shoplift.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.