Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
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Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
Your honor, I wasn’t trying to Tokyo drift, I WAS Tokyo drifting. Make sure that’s in the official record.
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
Wolf: [in sheep’s clothing] let me in
Pig: nope
Wolf: [walking away] this costume sucks
It’s his time
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
If I had a party I wouldn’t tell you when to leave but there will be signs.
Got chased by a swan this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
The U.K. ditching their old leadership on July 4th is an appropriation of American culture
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
“You said, and I quote, ‘Make me a bowl of food.’”
“This is why no one likes you, Jeff.”
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat