Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
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My life in a nutshell
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
The idea that librarians spend all their time telling children to shush is an unflattering, outdated, and severe stereotype. We actually spend all our time telling children to stop running.
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.