Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
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My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
marvel comics have peaked
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats